When someone shares with us their fears and struggles are we really listening? When children talk to us about what is important to them, are we trying to see the world from their eyes? Are we giving our undivided attention, by making eye contact and hearing the words someone is expressing or are we in our own head preoccupied about how this relates to us or wondering what advice we be giving back?
Have you ever felt that you weren't being heard by someone? Have you ever felt dismissed by someone or underappreciated? Did you ever find the conversation switched to being about them? For a long time, I thought that in order to build a rapport with someone or validate what they are going through, I had to devote an extended period of time to help them. I'm learning now to start with 10 minutes. Within those 10 minutes I can give my attention to what the person is thinking and feeling then validate them. I just have to be present in their world and disregard any thoughts that might relate to my own personal experience. It isn't about me, it's about them. It shouldn't matter if I have been through something similar or not, we all handle life differently. Whether they are handling the situation right or wrong, reacting with or without emotion is not the issue, it's acknowledging the fact that this situation is having an effect on them and they need help navigating their own thoughts and feelings in order to move through their initial reaction to it. If we dismiss someone because we perceive them as overreacting (especially with children), then they never learn the skills to change their reaction, self sooth, or brainstorm potential solutions. This can lead to someone accepting they just do not have a voice, feeling inadequate, or undermining their own ability to be resilient. All it takes is 10 minutes to let someone feel they are being heard. Anyone can become a active listener, you do not need a degree in counseling or psychology to implement effective communication skills. The most basic piece is to be 100% present in the conversation and listen to the words of the person who is speaking. If your thoughts start to wander about anything other than the conversation then you are allowing yourself to become distracted and invalidating what the person is going through. They might assume, "What I am saying is not important" which becomes a fact in their mind. To get involved in the conversation you can reflect back to them statements they said such as "Your coworkers ignored you all day, that must have been difficult" or "It sounds like you handled a lot today" or "I can not imagine how you were able to accomplish what you did despite...". If you reflect back a piece of what someone is saying they know you are listening and if you empathize with how they might be feeling because of what they went through then their feelings are validated. You can identify how a person might have been feeling by the tone in their voice, or pace of their speech. "It sounds frustrating..." or "It must have been really overwhelming" or "The pressure you are under seems exhausting". These assumptions do not have to be exact and the if the person was experiencing a different emotion they will let you know. "Overwhelming, are you kidding, I was beyond overwhelmed, felt like a full on panic attack!" Then letting them know that they handled the difficult situation as best as they could have given the circumstances will be enough to know they are being heard. Keep in mind most times people are not looking for opinions, suggestions or answers, they just want someone to validate what they are going through. If they ask for help, it is then okay to offer them a few suggestions or ask them how they usually handle a situation like this one. Many times we encounter similar reactions to intense situations and might feel anxiety, stress, irritation or sadness and because our emotions are so present, we forget how we were able to handle a situation that made us feel the same way in the past. Reminding people of their strengths or resiliencies will help them independently solve or get through whatever the situation is. This is great building skills for children, helping them to problem solve their own frustrations will teach them skills that many adults have yet to figure out how to manage. Lastly, pointing out someone's ability to handle a situation even when they are not upset is validating and rewarding as well. It is encouraging to hear once in a while that someone has noticed how well we are managing our jobs, or taking care of things around the house. It keeps us motivated, brightens are day, and many times we pay the compliment forward to someone else who deserves to hear words of encouragement! Keep in mind, it only takes 10 seconds to pay someone a compliment and all we need is 10 minutes to listen and let someone know that what they are saying is important and heard!
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Authorfinding greatness in the unimaginable.empowering others.addiction advocate.living simply, contently, passionately. Archives
April 2016
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